


The Rebel

by monkiimax



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Asexual Character, Boyfriends, Confusion, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sexual Confusion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2018-09-25 01:20:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9796091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monkiimax/pseuds/monkiimax
Summary: Bodhi learns something he never could have guessed about Cassian. Cassian, the bravest man he had ever known; the most beautiful man in the whole Galaxy. This is a story about confusions, communication, love and respect.





	1. New in this thing called "Relationship"

Cassian and Bodhi dating didn´t surprise anyone at the base. After they long stay at the medbay, sharing almost a month sharing a room without much to do but talk, it was sort of obvious there was something more between the two men. "It was chemistry", said Jyn after they made it official but it was something else. They understood each other without the need to be alike. Cassian loved being with Bodhi, Bodhi found himself feeling lighter, better, whenever he found himself near the taller one. 

As time went by they found out interesting things about each other. Before joining the Empire, Bodhi used to sing and paint. He still enjoyed doing it but only in the privacy of his quarter. He liked to wake up early, didn´t enjoy sweet things and was fluent in three different languages aside from English (perks of being a pilot and having to fly around the galaxy). Bodhi learned that Cassian still spoke his native language, was only a year older ("even though he looked like crap" he had added) and in his life he had only one partner before Bodhi. 

"What happened to him?" Bodhi asked him quietly, almost in a whisper, as they walked around the base.

"We had different jobs." he said. "He didn´t like MY job I did… He didn´t like a lot of things about me." 

Bodhi bit his lip. He knew about Cassian´s old jobs. Not details but Cassian had given him the idea and Bodhi had immediately reassured him it changed nothing between them. That night he wondered if Cassian had actually believed his words. 

Another thing Bodhi learned about Cassian was his lack of.... how to put it? _Lack of libido?_ That actually surprised him. He had heard about Cassian around the base. Even though he was respected, people sometime gossiped about him, and other people in his group of spies. Bodhi had heard stories about them getting information by sleeping with people for it.

He had asked Cassian about it during lunch some weeks after starting dating.

"Yeah." 

Bodhi almost choked. "You have actually sleep with someone for a mission?"

Cassian shrugged but nodded, it was obvious he was uncomfortable. "Sometimes you need stuff from people and you can get it by beating the subject. It´s not pretty and we don´t do it often but yeah, I´ve done it." 

Bodhi remained quiet. Digesting the information. 

"Does that bother you?" his voice sounded so little, unsure, it made Bodhi´s heart ache. 

"Of course not! I was just..." curious? afraid what they said was true? "Nevermind, I shouldn´t have asked." 

They never talked about the topic again but after a while it reappeared on Bodhi´s head. If Cassian wasn´t a virgin; their lack of intimacy was something to be worried about? They had kissed, but surprisingly, it was only Bodhi who initiated it. They made out but never went down under their clothing. Whenever he tried anything Cassian would find an excuse to run out of the room or stop it, arguing he was tired or sored from training. Bodhi never pressured but neither had the courage to ask if something was wrong.

 ^^^^

“Do you mind if I stay tonight?” asked one night after he finished repairing one of Kay´s arm that was making a squeaky noise.

Cassian looked at him quite shocked, not that Bodhi didn´t knew his room but they´ve never had spent a whole night together.

“I don´t think that´s a good idea.” Said Kay as he stood up and walked towards Cassian. “Cassian doesn´t like sharing his bed.”

“Kay!”

“What? You didn´t even like sharing with Souza.”

 _Souza¸_ so now the mysterious ex-boyfriend had a name.

“Yes, but this is different.” Cassian sighed at turned towards Bodhi with a too obvious fake smile. “You… you can stay if you can… it´s getting late.”

Bodhi, who had watched the interaction, was a little taken back. “We are not going to do anything if you don´t want to.”

Some of the pilots that were around them whistled at the comment and suddenly Cassian´s body tensed. Bodhi then realized he had said something a little too personal in a space a little too crowed.

“I´m sorry, that came wrong in so many levels.” He said as he tried to control the hotness in his cheeks.

“Don´t sweat it.” He moved closer to Bodhi and hesitantly planted a soft kiss on his lips. “Let´s just go.”

They got to his room and changed while they chatted about their day. Cassian found some salty cookies he had hidden inside his closet and shared them as they laid on the bed and kept talking about their next mission.

“Cassian?” Bodhi finally asked before Cassian turned off the lights. “About what I said outside…” Cassian just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. “I meant it… but I was wondering…”

Cassian shut him with a quick kiss. Two kisses in a day, it was so unnatural coming from Cassian it made Bodhi even more worried about the effect of his words. “Can we discuss it later? After the mission?”

“Sure.”

^^^^

Bodhi ran following Kaytwo, who was holding Cassian between his arms like a ragdoll. He´d lost a lot of blood during the flight back to the base. Bodhi felt like he couldn´t breathe. He had found Cassian lying on the snow, with a horrible gunshot on his side and bruises all over his face. His eyes were already closed and his breathing shallow and almost inexistent. He had cried as he screamed for help and covered Cassian´s body with his own, like if he could prevent the cold to hurt his boyfriend even more. 

 

"I don´t want to hear it." he said as he waited for news. Chirrut and Baze exchanged a look. "I don´t want to hear you telling me it isn´t my fault when it is." 

"He told you to run. You had the information, we had to take it out of there." Jyn tried but Bodhi cut her out. 

"I should have stayed. I should have told him he was being a stupid soldier like he usually is. I should have..." he tried to finish the sentence but a sob came out instead of words. He put his hand over his mouth and felt his body shiver as more tears came out of his eyes. 

Jyn sat by his side and held him tightly. 

"I haven´t even told him." he whispered into his hand, the realization hitting him like a bullet. "I need to tell him. I have to tell him that I love him." 

Cassian woke up three days later and Bodhi´s first words were: ´you are a bloody idiot´, ´never do that to me again´ and ´I love you´. 

"I love you too." Cassian mumbled as a wide smile appeared on his face. "but I can´t promise you anything."  


	2. Conversations

"Jyn, can I ask you something personal?" 

They were inside the quarters she shared with other two soldiers, but the women were out training. The two friends were sitting on her bed, facing each other. 

“What´s up?" 

"Is it normal if..." he paused, trying to remember the words he was going to use and had practiced for about 40 minutes before coming to this bedroom. "I mean, I guess we are all different and Cassian... he is something else... but I´m worried..." 

"Did something happened between you and Cassian?" she tried to guess. "Something bad?" 

"NO! I mean nothing has happened... that´s the problem." 

Her mouth opened in a big "O". Bodhi felt his cheeks turn red. 

"You mean: nothing-nothing?" 

"What else could I possibly mean, Jyn?" he said, exasperated. Now he felt stupid. He should be talking about this with Cassian, not with an outsider. But he knew Cassian, and he knew himself. He needed a second opinion before doing something rash. "I´m not sure if it´s normal." 

"Have you talked to him about this?" 

Bodhi shook his head. 

"Remind me: how long have you been dating?" 

"Five months." 

Jyn sighed. "Well, that´s not a long time, if you ask me. You´ve known the guy for what, six months?" 

"Yeah..." but the girl wasn´t finished. 

"But I get you. In this kind of place, when you don’t know if you are going to be dead or alive in the next hour, you sort of want to go all the way as soon as possible."

"That´s one way of putting it." 

"It´s the realistic way of putting it. I´ve only been with two guys in my life and the one I knew the most...We were together for two weeks before he was put down by a storm-trooper." Jyn frowned at the memory, but as soon as the emotion came, it disappeared. "Talk to him. It´s the only way to figure out if there’s something wrong." 

"You don’t think I´m over-reacting?" 

"I guess it’s natural for you to want something more. It´s not a sin to want to be intimate with the person you’re with, but you have to know if they feel the same." 

^^^^

Cassian stared at Bodhi as he slept. He was beautiful. They were in Bodhi´s ship, under a sky full of stars and a quiet desert around them. In a couple of hours, they would be back at the base after a successful mission, and the couple couldn´t feel happier. Things were going smoothly with the Rebellion, with the Death Star destroyed, they had become the stronger side, and when it all ended…

Cassian stopped the course of his thoughts at that moment. After it all ended, then what?

“I can hear you thinking.”

Cassian was shocked to hear Bodhi speak to him. He had thought he was asleep.

“Sorry. Just go back to sleep.”

The other man moved slightly and sat up. Cassian looked at him with a fake smile plastered on his face. After the Rebelion, would Bodhi stick up with him? Would they get married? He had rejected the possibility of that ever happening some years ago. What if Bodhi wanted to marry him? What if he didn´t? What if he only saw Cassian as a Rebel and that was pretty much it?

“Cass? You’re not breathing.” Cassian shook his head.

“Of course I am, silly.”

Bodhi was frowning now. Damn, and he thought he was a decent actor.

“Want to talk about something?”

And then it hit Cassian, they still had a conversation on hold. “I´m not really in the mood.”

Bodhi sighed.

“Okay, then come here and sleep with me.” He took Cassian´s hand and pulled him so they were next to each other. “We have to rest.”

Cassian nodded and closed his eyes. Like a whisper, he felt Bodhi´s lips caress his for a couple of seconds. It didn´t felt sensual or anything like that, not like any other kisses he was used to. It was something almost soothing and comforting. He didn´t realize when he fell into a restless sleep.

^^^

Cassian glared at Souza as he sat next to him near the training camp. That was always their secret spot, their place and no one else´s. Cassian used to like the place, it reminded him of Souza, of his eyes, his voice, their conversations. Now...it wasn´t the same. They were still friends, but Souza but he couldn´t ignore the constant feeling of betrayal he had whenever he was too close to him. 

"So... I´m here. What do you want to talk about?" 

Cassian hugged his knees and bit his lip. This was being harder than expected. Souza, on the other hand, smiled as he guessed what was happening. "It´s about your new boyfriend, right?"

"Yes." 

"How long have you been dating? Six, seven months?" 

"Nine." 

The man nodded. "Oh boy, that´s a long time. Nothing compared to us, but still..." 

Relationships didn´t last at the Rebellion. Didn´t last for people like Cassian. The fact that he and Souza had been together for three years was extraordinary, and the fact that he never slept with the guy was even more stunning. Of course, Souza would use another word to describe the experience. He had to put on with stupid excuses, lots of apologizes, and several fights, all because Cassian refused to pull down his pants. He finally gave up on Cassian and found a pretty girl, and then a pretty boy, and then another pretty boy... Cassian never told him how hurt he felt to be replaced so easily.

He never told him he loved him, even though he did, he truly did. 

"I don´t know what you want me to say." 

"If I had slept with you when you asked me to, would you have stayed with me?" 

Souza thought about it for a moment. "I don´t know." 

“Really?” And suddenly Cassian remembered the feeling he experienced when Souza told him it was over between them. “You don´t know… No me chingues.”

"¿Qué quieres que te diga?!" aside from Cassian and Souza, only a few people still spoke the language of Fest. "I don´t know. I was 18, you were 17. Things would have happened, relationships don´t always work, not even when there is love and sex in between." 

"Did you love me?" Souza stared at him. "You never actually said it, but maybe..." 

"I don´t understand why you’re asking me this now, almost 20 years later, but what I can tell you this." Souza kneeled in front of Cassain so their faces were at the same level and just inches apart. "If I didn´t wait forever, and I actually stayed with you for too damn long, I don´t expect him to last for much longer." And with that he left the man, alone with his thoughts, his fears, his insecurities. 

"Fuck!" Cassian screamed in frustration. 


	3. Bang Bang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you wanna stay over tonight?” Cassian asked one afternoon, making Bodhi almost choke on his dinner. Jyn stared at the two men.  
> “Ummm…sure.” Bodhi managed to say after a few coughs. “Ummm… see you after I finish at the station?”

Bodhi got to his room at around nine. They talked about their days, ate some snacks, and got ready to go to bed. While Bodhi changed, Cassian tried to think of what to do. How to do _it_ without making it awkward and forced. He knew Bodhi wanted to have sex with him. He knew they should have had sex a long time ago. He knew all that stuff, and still he felt anxious and restless. When his boyfriend sat on his side of the bed, he felt his heart hit his chest with violence.

Bodhi was so sweet and he never asked for anything.

If Cassian asked Bodhi if he was on the mood to do something that night, the pilot would probably ask him if _he_ was in the mood, and then everything would be ruined. Cassian was never in the mood.

“So…” Bodhi started. Cassian shivered. “Which side do you prefer? Last time I didn’t ask, so I wasn´t sure if you were comfortable…”

Cassian literally launched himself against Bodhi. Their lips met, and Bodhi instantly reacted. He took Cassian’s face in his hands and pulled him closer. Cassian landed on top of Bodhi. This was right. Being held by Bodhi was right, and it felt right. The problem came when Bodhi’s hands left his face and ran down his chest. They broke the kiss for a moment. Usually that was the moment when Cassian ran away with a lazy excuse.

_Usually…_

Cassian pulled Bodhi so this time Bodhi was on top of him. He could do that. He knew how it worked. It wouldn´t be hard, all he had to do was focus on the things he liked about Bodhi. He felt Bodhi’s lips on his, and the same long and careful hands touched him again. He could do this.

“Cass…” Bodhi whispered at some point. Cassian shut him up with a kiss. He didn´t want to talk. Not now.

Their shirts disappeared at some point, and so did their pants. He could feel Bodhi´s erection caress his inner thigh, and at some point Cassian´s lips passed from his face to his neck, shoulders and chest. When a cold hand touched between his legs, he had to take a deep breath and close his eyes. He tried not to think about it. He had already had sex, and it hadn’t been the end of the world. Yes, it was annoying and uncomfortable, but he could do it for Bodhi. He would do anything for Bodhi. He felt his boyfriend´s hands caressing his sex, and a shiver ran down his spine. That was it, and he was feeling awful. He moved closer, trying to capture Bodhi´s lips again in an attempt to keep his mind busy, and not focusing on whatever Bodhi was about to do, but he felt a sudden change in his partner. When he looked at him, he found Bodhi frozen with his eyes fixed in his face. Cassian hated to admit he felt himself blushing, ashamed he had done something wrong.

“Are you okay?” he asked, worried. Why did Bodhi stop?

Bodhi nodded slowly. “Yeah, it´s just that… this is my second night here, and I don´t want to rush things. Plus, tomorrow I have pilot training.”

Cassian felt his blood run cold. “Oh.” Bodhi moved a little bit to the side. “Are you sure? Did… did I do something wrong?”

Bodhi smiled at him. “Of course not. I´m just a little tired, and you look tired too.”

Cassian bit his lip. “Okay.” He rested his head on the pillow and turned his body towards his boyfriend so they could see each other, face to face. Bodhi pulled Cassian into a soft embrace.

“Can we cuddle?” Bodhi asked in a whisper. Cassian nodded slowly and he hid his face on his boyfriend´s shoulder. Soon after, they fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

“What do you mean he wasn´t _hard_?” Jyn almost screamed, as she heard her friend´s story. Bodhi could feel his face going three shades darker. He knew he should have asked someone else, anyone else, but then, he practically had nobody else.

“You know what I mean!”

Jyn groaned and then stopped. Bodhi had asked her if she wanted to join him on his morning run, and she had though there would only be running. But the moment she saw her friend´s face, she knew he wanted to do something more than run.

“Jyn.” Bodhi leaned on the nearest wall and sighed. “I don´t know what to do.”

“Have you talked to him?” Bodhi shook his head. “Why not?! Damn, you guys can be so dense sometimes.”

The man brushed a piece of hair off his face. It was all so confusing. One moment Cassian was all over him, kissing and touching (something very unusual for him), and the next… No, let´s rephrase that. Whatever he did during that night had been an act, because it had been clear that he wasn´t into it.

“Jyn… what if this isn´t working?”

The girl glared at him, as if he had said the worst thing in the world.

“Bodhi, he loves you. Maybe sex isn´t working for you, but the rest is, right?” Bodhi nodded. “So, who cares if he isn´t ready to be intimate? Because, if I know you Rook, I know you wouldn´t leave Cassian for something as unimportant as sex.”

“But what if…”

“Bodhi, I swear if you say _what if_ one more time, I´m going to kick your ass.”

They stood in silence for a couple of minutes, Bodhi still trying to put what he was feeling into words, without sounding as lame and selfish as he thought he was being. But he felt afraid that Cassian wasn´t attracted to him, felt ashamed of not knowing how to please his partner, and most of all, he felt angry at himself for not knowing how to react without hurting Cassian´s feelings. He was a terrible boyfriend.

“You really need to talk to him about this.”

Bodhi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He hated that she was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify: an anon just pointed out an aspect I think is worth to explain. The lack of Cassian's' reaction was mostly a consequence of the stress and the anxiety he was feeling during the foreplay, not a direct reference to asexuality because, as the anon pointed out, asexuals can get erections too. Hope this makes things more clear but still, if you feel there is something I got wrong, please let me know. Love <3 
> 
> Thank you for sticking up with me. I promise I will try to update sooner.


	4. Violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah...  
> This is short, this is angsty, this hasn't been checked by a beta and english isn't my first language so expect some grammar mistakes (not many, I hope). 
> 
> But hey... I´m back!

_ The worst kind of violence.... _

 

Cassian sat on Bodhi’s bed with his head hanging from his shoulders. He had heard some gossip that morning in the shooting practice. He had heard from a couple of friends they had seen Bodhi with Jyn running around and Elijah even had heard something that had made Cassian’s heart skip a beat. 

“ _ What do you mean he wasn´t hard? _ ” Elijah repeated like if it wasn’t a big deal while they were practicing shots. “I mean, you have to have more tact than that. Especially if you are talking about your partner.” Cassian had stopped shooting and call it a day as he practically ran away from the place. 

At that moment he had felt so ashamed. So ashamed that he had made things so awkward Bodhi and him, that he had to ask advice from someone else. What if he was planning on breaking up with him? It wouldn’t be a shocker of even the first time. Of course Bodhi would want someone normal, someone who could do what normal couples did. Souza was right. He had been right all along. No one would ever put up with him; not even a good human being as Bodhi. 

Cassian closed his eyes and rubbed his face with his rough hands. He was so tired of feeling this way. Of feeling terrified that Bodhi was eventually going to leave him because… because of  _ that _ . He felt so frustrated. 

The door of the room opened and Cassian was force to get himself together. He needed to focus on the task he had in front of him. 

“I think we should break up.” Cassian said without giving the other one the chance to mutter a word. He hated the way Bodhi’s face fell and how his eyes suddenly became sad. “I’m sorry.” 

“No.” 

Cassian stood up and made an attempt to walk away. He couldn’t stand being there any longer without bursting into tears. It was the right thing.

“No. You don’t get to decide to leave me!” Bodhi took him by the arm and janked him into the room. “Not like this. Cassian, you can’t do this.” 

“Why not?!” Cassian hated the way his voice became angry when he felt on the edge of collapsing. “This isn’t working.” 

“What isn’t working, Cassian?” a couple of tears fell from Bodhi’s eyes and Cassian had to look away. “I love you. I love you so much and I know that you love me.” 

“This has nothing to do with that.” he hissed. Bodhi shook his head unable to understand what Cassian was trying to tell him. 

“Than what is it? We can work this together.” 

“We CAN’T work this together. It has nothing to do with you.” he pulled his arm with violence and freed himself from Bodhi’s grip. They stood in silence. Cassian’s eyes were fixed on the floor under him, unable to move, to run, to escape this horrible situation. 

“Is this about last night?” Bodhi’s voice was so soft it broke Cassian’s heart a little more. 

“I am sorry.” he started soft but suddenly the link that connected his head with his mouth stopped working. Instead his heart took over and he told Bodhi everything… every single thing. “I´m sorry I can’t have sex with you.” Cassian finally burst out as he let some tears escape his eyes. “I’m sorry I’m such a shitty boyfriend that has bedded more than twenty people around the galaxy and isn’t able to do it with the only person he truly cares about. But it is only because… because all the times I’ve done things… God it feels so  _ bad _ afterwards.” He was at this point fighting the sobs that broke his voice and made him unable to breathe. “I feel so bad and I would hate to feel that with you. If I ever felt the way I feel with the rest with you…” his voice broke and he finally gave up. He let the sobs and gasp leave his lips as tears ran freely down his face. He barely noticed in the middle of his breakdown how Bodhi held him in a tight embrace. 

Cassian held the man like if his life depended on it and let himself go. All the shame, all the self hatred, all those insecurities that had been bottled up since he had memory exploited in a supernova that consumed everything Cassian had inside of him. But, surprisingly, it felt sort of good. 

“I love you more than anything in the world.” Cassian finally understood what Bodhi was whispering near his ear. “I love you and I would never force you to do anything you don’t want to.” 

“But…” his voice sounded so small, fragile. 

“Shut up. There is nothing in this universe that would make me not want to be with you.” Cassian hid his face in the crook of Bodhi’s neck. “I love you and I would kill myself before making you feel bad about anything.” 

“Don’t say that.” 

“Then stop saying sorry for things you have no control over. Stop apologizing for something for not desiring something when there is nothing wrong with that. I may not understand this completely but I love you and I will always love you.” 

Cassian closed his eyes tightly and pressed himself harder against the other man’s body. 

_ The real violence,  _

_ the violence that I realized was unforgivable, _

_ is the violence we do to ourselves.  _

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: I have this head canon of Cassian being asexual but having romantic feelings for Bodhi. I used some of my personal experiences to try to make it as realistic as I can. Also I´ve made some research and I hope not to get anything wrong and cause distress or anger. Feedback is always welcomed.  
> I have to thank my amazing beta: NoMeDigas and I really recomend you to read her work (It´s amazing!)


End file.
